Thankful

I'm sitting here in the dark, pumping (as usual) and typing by the light of Christmas tree. My favorite time of year is here! Addy is at the perfect age to start enjoying the magic of Christmas and the joy of the season. We had fun today putting up the Christmas tree as well as going shopping as a family for our first set of lights to put in the yard. Matt and I are trying to figure out what "theme" our christmas tree should be. We figured we'd decide on a color scheme and try to collect decorations each holiday. I love running errands/eating out as a family. When we got home, I fed Sawyer while Daddy and Addy laid out the lights in the bushes. She had a blast. 

Speaking of me feeding Sawyer, I know I posted about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me even the second time around. I'm pretty much pumping and giving him all his feedings via the bottle. Sometimes he will eat off me as a snack or a light meal but ever since I had him, he's never really nursed off me for a long period of time and been really full. His latch still isn't that good but it's not really a problem anymore. I have noticed that sometimes he won't take a bottle from me which I've read is normal. Matt will have to come and feed him because I'm the one with the boobs and it confuses him. Also, I've noticed that he doesn't want to nurse sometimes. He'd rather eat from a bottle because I guess it's easier. The milk comes out faster I guess and babies are lazy. (so are adults actually...) These are all things that I can deal with. I'm very glad at two months he is still only eating breast milk for health reasons ( he won't have health insurance until Jan 1). I have to say it's really hard to pump so much. It's so time consuming. Even if Sawyer doesn't get up in the night, I have to in order to pump cause I get so engorged and full I have to drain "the girls". I have found myself nodding off while pumping at 2am or even woken up to wet sheets cause I hit snooze on my phone without getting up to feed or pump. I have a door full of breast milk but I'm not sure it's going to be enough. Even though I am producing so much more milk this pregnancy, I hope I can keep up as he starts to eat more. Even if I don't, I'm so not worried about it like I was with Addy. I was so upset when we had to switch to formula. Now I know, it's no big deal. My bosses at work have been very accommodating and have allowed me to pump whenever I've requested to. It is very inconvenient at times to leave in the middle of a case at work but this isn't a permanent thing and I have to do whats best for my baby. 

Motto for new moms: "This too shall pass" and "When a child is born, so is a mom". For me these things tell me that when life is super hard, especially that first month, don't worry cause it's gonna be long gone soon. And also, you aren't required to know everything as a mom right away. Being a mom...It's a trial and error kinda thing.

Sawyer just turned two months old and everything is starting to get so much better for me emotionally/mentally. I am getting to know him and his schedule so much better. I'm not getting up at night as much. He usually eats only twice, sometimes once before I have to get up at 4:30 for work. Also, he's much bigger now, I'd say about 12ish lbs and has started to laugh and smile!!!! What a HUGE difference it makes when they start to interact with you! I feel like Saw-dog and I have bonded so much this past week alone. Thinking that he knows me as his mom is so rewarding. I love running home from work and scooping him up and giving him kisses. I really appritiate my kids more and have more patience with them if I am at work all day. 

Things have however NOT gotten easier for Matt. They've gotten worse. He has had a string of very overwhelming and difficult days lately. When I went back to work after having Addy it was different. There was only one kid and it was overwhelming occasionally only because it was Matt and I's first time to be parents. Well, this time around is a whole new ball game. We figured having two was not going to be that big of a deal but it has really been an adjustment, just as much with the second as with the first. A whole new set of difficulties arise. All the stuff we used to worry about when Addy was super little we don't even think about now with Sawyer because we have a whole new set of problems! Matt could tolerate staying at home with Addy up until we added another kid and now he's feeling pretty isolated and tired and just done with being at home all day with little kids. He wants to be apart of society! I've been praying for Gods direction on this subject. It's hard cause I have absolutely no control over a job for Matt. It totally up to God. 

Matt surprised me and took me to see Twilight Breaking Dawn 2 on Thanksgiving. I loved it and am sad that the series is over. I can't believe I had such an easy simple life when the first one came out. I think I was a newlywed and just out of college. I remember going with some YL girls to see it. We went to the midnight showing with our shirts on and everything. Not anymore!!!! It's amazing how fast your life changes as you get older. I'm such a mom now. Who knew this is what I'd be doing 5 years later. Wow. Weird. I'm almost 30, a mom and a wife. 

I am so Thankful for all our family and friends this holiday season. I am most Thankful for my God who has loved me unconditionally even when I forget He is at my side day by day. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness. Forgive me for my unfaithfulness.