Miserable Failure

Im having one of those weeks. You know, the emotional and depressing kind. I just can't seem to get anything right.

So obviously I'm not so good at this blogging thing. I love to blog and often I start to write something but I always get distracted. (I have like three posts that I've started and saved but haven't finished) Story of my life, right? I do the same thing with pretty much every bible study I have attempted to do on my own and with other important things as well. What is wrong with me?

 I think I'm one of those self-proclaimed " highly organized" people who are actually very disorganized but attempt to control the chaos in their life.  My husband is probably shaking his head vigorously in agreement when he reads this....

I really want to be one of those amazingly organized women who have everything in their pantry labeled with a label maker and who remembers all her extended family and friends birthdays and who remembers to send out invites to their kids birthday parties way in advance. All these things, among many other things, I am a miserable failure at.

For example: Can I tell you I JUST now realized that I totally forgot to give all my shower hostess a gift for throwing me a shower for Sawyer back in August? I, of course, told them how much I appreciated each and every one of them for doing it while I was there but I just forgot the gift!!!! What a jerk right? Everyone has a love language and mine is obviously not gift giving. I think it's words of affirmation/physical touch cause I ALWAYS remember to verbally thank my friends for their hard work and give them a good squeeze, but I'm not so good at remembering the gift part. If you are reading this and you are one of the 7 girls who threw me my shower, I am a horrible friend!!! Please don't hate me!

What else you ask? Oh it gets worse....

Well, it just so happens that when you have a baby you must call and add them to your insurance within 30 days EXACTLY. Apparently when they say 30 days they aren't kidding and guess who forgot. So I call on day 31 and they DENY me adding Sawyer to my insurance. So what do I do now? Well, I will have to wait till the new year starts and then add him. Now, the "glass half full" voice in my head says "it's only two months away, we can make it two months!" but seriously?! What is my problem? I had 30 days and it's no ones fault but my own. Whats funny is, this stuff happens all the time to me. I'm a procrastinator.... there I said it.

One of my organization dreams (yes I have those sometimes), is to have a station or a wall in my kitchen where I can be super organized. A place to hang my keys and a big ol' calendar where I can write EVERYTHING on to help me remember. I have to write everything down!!! I am such a list maker it's not even funny. Matt is not really into all this stuff. He thinks you can do all those same things by adding them to your calendar on your iPhone. And he's right of course but I am much more of a hands on person. I like to write things down. I've gotten really lax being on maternity leave and haven't really opened my calendar at all. I have about a week and a half to go and Im actually looking forward to it. I'm starting to get on Matts nerves cause he's used to running the house on his own and me being the controlling wife/mom that I am, like to do things differently and like to "help out" when he's not used to help and it has thrown off his groove. We all need to get back into the swing of things I think. Not sure how its all gonna work with two kids now, one of which eats EVERY TWO HOURS on the dot. haha. Matt definitely has the harder job ,with a newborn and a toddler, I must admit.

Speaking of Sawyer....Im am falling more in love with him every day. I love having a boy! I've found the further away he gets from being a helpless newborn the more I'm gonna love him. And since I loved him a ton when I first laid eyes on him, it should be a fun and exciting process to watch him grow just like it has been with Addy. He is a chunk and I love that he loves to lay on his tummy on my chest and sleep. When he does sleep, I have a bad habit of wanting to lay him down so I can do the laundry, dishes, and other things but then I feel this twinge of guilt cause there won't be many precious times when he is that little and I should really just let him lay on me and listen to him snore haha. Again, where are my priorities?

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride this past year with this pregnancy. I have to say that Matt has been amazing. I did nothing but moan on the couch for the first three months of this pregnancy because of the intense nausea and then moan on the couch for the last three months as well because of how miserable I was with working full time and being so huge and uncomfortable having to sleep sitting straight up because of my horrible reflux. In a way, I can tell this pregnancy has taken a toll on our marriage. Some years of marriage are easy and some are harder. The ones when I've been pregnant have been the harder ones. It's a wonder Matt is still around! haha! He constantly makes sacrifices for me on a daily basis. This is one of the reasons we have decided that we don't want any more children. Everyone has different experiences with the sometimes long process of getting pregnant, and then actual 9 month pregnancy and then with the healing and recovery process after a pregnancy. So there is no way one woman should make a judgement against another one for her decision whether to have 10 children or call it quits after just 1. Its a very personal decision and I don't think it's right when I hear someone tell me "are you SURE???? Do you really want to do that? Cause you can't take it back if you do this..." haha. These people rub me the wrong way and of course I'm emotional and irritable and I have said things that I probably shouldn't. Hormones make you a little too bold sometimes.

I just realized it's almost 1:00pm and my poor child has not eaten. Gotta go. I leave you with a sweet pic of Saw Dog.